Like a freshman pledge, enduring the obnoxious initiation rituals of some fraternity, the
North Atlantic wanted to see what I was truly made of…would I be tough enough for her sea?
As I look back over the video logs of each day, I laugh at the crap I was complaining about at the beginning of the voyage, like the pains of preparing breakfast in 5 foot seas. What a pleasure it was to be able to make breakfast. By the end of the trip, I was lucky to manage trail mix and beef jerky.
The beginning of the trip was promising. Stephen caught two Dorado (mahi-mahi) a few hours apart and was excited to try out his new filet station. We sailed with a pod of dolphins one night. You could only see their shadows beneath the water in the moonlight, but inside the cabin you could hear their shrill squeaking calls outside the hull. When waters were still calm at night, plankton lit up the surface like little glow worms, and flying fish landed on deck. The moon would rise as a giant red sphere until it got high enough in the sky to illuminate the water, making night watches more tranquil and less ominous.
, notorious for
being unsettled, I was getting used to the “motion of the ocean.” Swelly seas began to flatten out as we
cruised through the Cape
Hatteras Gulf Stream and life was
good. The auto helm steered us under
motor and the wind vane steered us under sail.
We would hang out in the cockpit or even on deck, just reading a
magazine or watching the vast ocean go by – excited by the occasional sighting
of a vessel –Thursday afternoon, the last time we would see another boat until Bermuda.
First thing to go was the auto helm. All of a sudden the boat was going wildly off course and Stephen retrieved the parts that rattled inside – loose gears. Not a huge concern. We’re a sailboat and hoping to sail most of the way there. Surely, if we need the motor again, we can manage to hand steer for a few hours….
I remember the afternoon that Stephen caught his last Dorado. I saw a dark wall behind us and questioned whether we should take time to filet and BBQ yet another meal of fish and instant potatoes or put up the storm jib to prepare for “building winds and seas” as forecasted. The wall I had spotted was just the beginning. Winds increasing to 22 knots soon subsided and it seemed as though a squall was just passing through. I innocently or stupidly questioned whether the 30 knot winds would ever come.
Around midnight (now Friday am), while Stephen was on watch, the winds came back and with unpredictable brut force. The wind vane (self-steering vane) had become disengaged and was dragging behind the boat. I cursed “Yves” that smug little French engineer who designed it, and flashed us his little penis in his homemade film that demonstrated how reliable it proved to be on his own circumnavigation. “See how great my wind vane is…it will steer the boat while I bathe nude in the ocean.” The wind vane was built to become easily disengaged should it hit something underwater. The problem being, it was becoming disengaged at the mere pressure of the water. Great design, Yves! We haven’t even made it across the
Atlantic yet. I can’t trust it to keep our boat on course,
forget about skinny dipping. I clipped
myself to the jack line and hung off the transom to retrieve the oar before we
lost it entirely – a few hundred dollars easily.
The FRONT (which Stephen refers to as “The Full Frontal”) was definitely upon us now, as Stephen hand steered – a laborious, physically demanding task requiring upper body strength and quick hands to resist the forces of wind and waves that attempted to pull the boat off course. The winds were all over the place. 25 knots, 35 knots, 40 knots – not building steadily but gusting at all speeds. As night became early morning, the wind speed was 45 – 48 steady, with 50 knot gusts. Before setting out of the bay, the forecast was calling for 30 knot winds with gusts up to 40 – uncomfortable but manageable. Lesson 1) always add 10 knots to the forecast. The winds were light for so long, that we never rigged the storm sails and doing so now was too risky. Only sailing with a super reefed (shortened) headsail, the boat was still overpowered.
As the sun rose, we could now see the monstrosity that we were dealing with. I sat up against the cabin top in the cockpit, watching in amazement as the waves actually grew steeper. First, we estimated 20 – 25 feet. We rode to the top of their crests then watched them fan out behind us as we coasted down to the trough, then up again. We discussed what to do. Stephen had been hand steering for over 6 hours. How much longer could he keep this up? The winds had been building since midnight; surely this had to be over soon. Around 8 am, we decided to keep at it for another hour or so before considering “hove-to” (letting the headsail back fill with wind, thereby serving as an emergency brake for the boat).
Within the hour, the waves grew steeper. I was both in awe and shock as I estimated these new wave heights to be at about 30 – 35 feet. I now regretted not believing our friend Len, when he claimed seas of 40 ft. on his last passage to the
Azores. At the top
of these waves, I noticed patches of “ice blue,” the lightest shade of blue
water I had ever seen. And I thought to
myself, that’s really beautiful and that’s not fair. You’re not allowed to be pretty when you are
scaring the crap out of me.
Suddenly the waves were so big they started breaking too close for comfort, dousing both of us with water. The boat was now surfing, or careening down the waves sideways at 12 knots, double our average hull speed, as Stephen fought with all his might to keep the boat headed down weather. Then the mother of all waves entered our world. I had been the wave watchdog, warning Stephen when he was about to get sprayed. I had refocused my attention on bracing myself in the cockpit when I met Stephen’s eyes and he said, “Hold on.” Just then, I saw it barreling towards me, nothing but white foamy spray. Everything went white and extremely quiet for about 10 seconds as I felt a rush of unusually warm water overtake me. When it was clear again, I felt like someone had just taken the electric paddles to my heart, my adrenaline pumping. Stephen was still standing behind the wheel. “That was scary,” I said breathless. Stephen confirmed.
In the next moment, we noticed the wave had filled our cockpit with over 2 feet of water – not bad considering a ton of water had just hit us – and things were beginning to float away. I reacted just in time to grab everything except the red winch handle which was already on its way out to sea. Now we had to start bailing. I opened the main locker in the cockpit to pull out some buckets and water poured in. The buckets were stuck together and it seemed like an eternity before we could pry them loose. My greatest fear during these moments was that another wave would hit us before we could drain the cockpit.
Finally in the clear, we decided we could no longer manage the boat in these conditions and it was time to “hove-to.” Having never done this in the middle of the ocean or in such conditions, we didn’t know how the boat would handle it, but we didn’t have much choice. Stephen steered the boat through the wind until the sail was backed and locked the helm in place. Then he finally sat down, joining me in the cockpit to finally see what I was seeing, take in the whole picture of what we had been sailing through. “I’ve never seen seas this big,” he acknowledged they must have been at least 30 ft. or bigger. Having made several passages across the
Atlantic Ocean on deliveries, he
had sailed through many storms, including a Nor’easter and still had nothing to
compare it to.
At this point, terror began to take over as I realized we no longer had control of the boat. “Are we going to make it through this?” I asked, studying his face for the real answer. “Yes, Taryn, we’re going to make it through,” he replied confidently, but I thought I noticed a tinge of uncertainty. What did I expect, for him to say “No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid this is it? Well babe, it’s been a good run.”
“I love you,” I started to cry and grabbed his hand. How many times had I taken those three words for granted. I felt more vulnerable with him than I had ever felt before.
We stayed out in the cockpit for about 20 minutes, becoming more terrified with each wave that broke against the hull of our boat and sent us coasting down each trough sideways until water gushed against the lee side like it was going to come pouring in, but never did. Now my body started to tremble uncontrollably. Trying to find humor in the situation, I told Stephen, “Well, I’ve done enough therapy with victims of trauma and now I finally get to experience it first hand.”
“I’m so sorry, Taryn.” Stephen, so excited for me to have a positive first passage experience, was beyond disheartened. “It wasn’t supposed to go this way.” He suggested we go down below…to which I was reluctant at first. As if going inside was giving up somehow. I was holding on to hope that it would let up soon.
Inside the cabin was a disaster zone. Almost paralyzed from fear, I could barely move. The state of it was overwhelming. Water had seeped in through the anchor locker and was flowing out the bottom of the V-berth, sloshing about the cabin in the state room (or as Stephen says “State of Disaster Room”) and the head. Everything was wet. Where to begin? Should we engage the sea anchor, get a weather report or start scooping up water?
We decided to rig the sea anchor but not engage it unless the boat came out of hove-to or something worse happened. The sea anchor is basically a huge parachute you throw off the bow to hold the boat steady, pointed into the waves and weather. The only problem we could see with engaging it is that it would not be easy to retrieve or disengage should we not get it right the first time. When Stephen opened the instruction manual, I got a true sense of how dire things were as SURVIVAL! in big bold letters emerged from page one. Holy shit. We’re screwed.
Sea anchor ready, and pushed to the point of exhaustion, we crawled around the cabin floor (it was impossible to stand without getting tossed from one side of the boat to the other) scooping water into buckets for bailing. Stephen finally sat down at the laptop, pulling the latest weather grib files to see how much longer we had to endure this. I had never seen him so tired as he laid his head down, almost falling asleep waiting for the files to download.
I tried to find some dry clothes and blankets to make us a bed on the sofa. Not much dry, I settled for slightly damp sleeping bags. The grib files were startling. The page was filled with lines representing the wind direction. Each line had short, perpendicular bars to indicate the wind speed, the more bars, the stronger the winds. Plotting our course, it was apparent that our boat was positioned right on the boundary of hell, amidst lines with more bars than I wanted to count. This image was much scarier than the one we had previewed three days ago. We certainly wouldn’t have signed up for this. And even worse, we had 12 more hours to go!
Stephen and I settled in to the sofa bed trying to figure out how we ended up here. Stephen, overly apologetic for the experience, assured me he would have never intended for this to happen, especially on my first passage. “This was supposed to be enjoyable for you. After all of this is over, I will completely understand if you want to go back to life on land, go back to being a social worker, or never make another passage again.” Feeling it was not the best time to make decisions about the future, I did not answer…but I was definitely weighing my options, should I be fortunate to still have options 24 hours from now.
Stephen passed out, almost mid-sentence. I was amazed at how he could sleep through all this, but then again how did he maintain his stamina for so long? I was wide awake next to him. Every single bang and thud of water against the hull, every lift and dip we took with each wave, every time the wind kicked back up, howling through and shaking the rigging, I felt my heart skip a beat. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, her house barreling through the center of the tornado. But unlike her seemingly short trip to OZ, this one was never ending. How in the hell was I going to sleep? Besides, if one of us is passed out, shouldn’t the other be on guard?
Gretchen, the biggest trooper, deserves “Cat of the Year” award for putting up with this shit. She amazed me with her resilience and patience. She stayed in her kitty carrier – in the shape of a miniature kitty house until we made it down below. Then she wedged herself in between us, underneath the sleeping bags.
I remembered the box of charms that Angela had given me before the trip. Her guardian angel charm and medals from Assunta (Stephen’s late grandmother). I fingered through the box for the most comforting charms, taking turns with each. I rubbed Grandma Assunta’s Blessed Mary medal which brought me some comfort. I tried praying at first, but every prayer I knew scared me even more. Especially the line that goes “pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death...”
As the hours passed, I watched the sky through the portals change from dark gray to bright blue, then sadly to gray again. The winds were gradually letting up, but not without a fight and I was becoming more accustomed to the noises and movements. I started coaxing myself to get up periodically to go to the bathroom and pour a drink of water. I finally started dozing off, first for 20 minutes at a time, and then eventually for an hour at a time. I slept the best with Stephen’s arm around me. Every now and then, a crashing sound slightly louder than the others would startle me out of my sleep. I attributed this to acute stress.
We awoke at midnight, 24 hours into the front to dying winds, but unsettled seas. We decided to wait until dawn. Stephen convinced me to eat, something easily forgotten. We dipped saltines into a container of left over chicken salad and stuffed our face with cookies sent by Brigitte. Finally, at 5 am Saturday morning, we awoke from the longest stretch of sleep we had to settled seas and winds of 15 knots. I praised God for allowing me to see this day, and was eager to get underway and get the hell out Dodge.
Happy to be alive, we tried to maintain perspective on the aftermath that was unfolding. Not only were we without any type of self-steering device, but the inverter and refrigerator had stopped working. We ate the second Dorado Steve caught before the front, grilled with Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce. Life was good again and I was happy to hand steer the rest of the way to
Bermuda. After all, the worst of it had to be behind
Stephen went into troubleshooting mode. He managed to get the inverter back up and running, but the refrigerator wasn’t so easy. After managing to reconnect a broken circuit by wedging a screw in the middle of the circuit to complete it, the electronic control unit began smoking once running again. The last thing we needed was an electrical fire at sea. The problem was bigger than expected – the wave we took on must have shorted it. We would keep the refrigerator closed for as long as possible, hoping to find the solution.
Stephen quickly refocused his energies on the wind vane. Determined to make it better, he hammered and filed away at it, deepening the grooves, while I steered us on an average course heading of 120 degrees – the heading we would maintain most of the way to
Bermuda. Periodically, he would hang off the back of
the transom, retesting it, only to re-emerge stating, “Just a little bit
more.” This went on for a couple of
hours until finally he was satisfied.
Thank God for his handy work, the wind vane never came disengaged again
and kept us on a steady course the rest of the way into Bermuda,
through more heavy seas and winds that would have been exhausting to muscle
through at the helm.
By Sunday, the winds and seas were building again, manageable but arduous as we were beating to windward at 18 – 22 knots of wind steady. The winds were blowing directly from the East, exactly where we wanted to be, and our spirits were down as it looked like we wouldn’t be making it there by Monday. The waves were 10 – 12 feet and seeping through the anchor locker and filling up the cabin again. We were on a starboard tack, heeled significantly at 20 + degrees, and the water collected on the right side instead of emptying into the bilges. I thought the worst of it was behind us, but I was beginning to wonder. “This f*@ing sucks,” said Stephen. “Affirmative.”
Conditions like these weren’t conducive for fixing the refrigerator, so we resorted to Plan B. Use our ice maker to pack the coolers with to keep all of our food cold. All of the food we spent hours stocking before the trip including 4 lbs of chicken from Costco, tons of cream cheese & organic milk (the kind that doesn’t go bad for a long time), tons of salad dressings, fresh pesto and salsa, eggs, juices, cheeses...
Half an hour into the ice making process, we had about 15 ice cubes and realized 1) we were going to lose our food and 2) this ice maker was not a worthwhile investment. Plan C: Stephen was determined to eat as much chicken as possible, and the shame of it was I didn’t feeling like eating. I watched as he scarfed down a huge chicken breast with cheese on an everything bagel as I managed to force down a yogurt cup and half a lunch sized applesauce.
We were further dismayed by progress made according to the chart plotter. The last tack took us farther south of the island than we wanted to be. We seemed to be getting nowhere and decided to start the engine to head straight for
Bermuda, nose into the waves with no auto helm. Behind
the helm, I felt like a surfer, bending at the knees over every crest as if my
body was navigating the boat over the waves more gently. I swear each time I stopped doing this –
stood at the helm with locked knees and arms, she crashed down the waves
instead. This was no picnic, but I was
feeling better about the progress we were making. If we just kept motoring, we could make it
there by early am Tuesday. Stephen came
out to the cockpit for a nap before his shift, and had just laid his head down
when the engine alarm started beeping.
“What the f*@k! I can’t get any rest,” Stephen reluctantly went into action mode once again. I started to believe that my silent worry that the engine would somehow fail us had jinxed us, had made it real. Of course, it had nothing to do with the huge wave we took on that seemingly fouled up everything of importance – anything with an electronic component. It didn’t make sense. The engine seemed to be running fine, the pressure and temperature were okay. After much troubleshooting and dissecting the manual, Stephen’s final diagnosis: it could be a short, or it could be a problem with the oil pressure switch. The former could be ignored by muffling the alarm, the latter not easily fixable. It was not worth taking a chance and damaging the engine. We were back to sailing, long endless tacks to
Monday and Tuesday was one endless blur. As Tuesday approached, it was clear we weren’t going to make it to
until at least very early Wednesday morning.
The winds were still blowing strong at 20 – 25 knots. The weather reports showed it continuing to
blow steadily from the East and Northeast and we were approaching from the
West, around the Southern tip of the island.
The cabin became more disastrous as water continued to pour in the anchor locker and we would take turns going down below to bail water, only to discover another pocket of the boat that had been drenched. We hove-to once more, this time so that Stephen could go to the bow and try to fix the gaps where the water was getting in, using epoxy. While he hung on at the bow, I was bailing out bucket after bucket of water – I counted almost 20. Each time we turned the boat through the wind on another tack was an opportunity to drain the water into the bilge.
Going to the bathroom became a chore I dreaded. It was almost impossible to do so without getting banged up inside the head. It was tiring as I had to brace myself in some corner and fight against the forces just to get all my layers of pants down and back up again. By the end of the trip, I started to pee in a bucket in the cockpit and then toss it overboard. By the last day, I was squatting right over the cockpit drains – whichever one was on the lee side of the tack we were on. Even this wasn’t easy.
Stephen’s fix helped tremendously, although most of the boat had already been penetrated and things were beginning to smell rank and grow a layer of gray, white or greenish fuzz. Lesson 2) Store clothing in waterproof bags. I had temporarily forgotten about how happy I was to be alive and was wondering again how much more I could take. How much longer could this go on?
Shortly after Stephen fixed the leaks, the winds started gusting again to 28 – 30 at times. Sailing downwind at these speeds is a completely different story than beating into it. Everything sounds worse, feels worse. The boat was taking an absolute thrashing and holding up gracefully. We noticed the battens (inserts that help the sail keep its shape) were starting to slide out from all the pounding. With winds increasing, we decided it was time to rig the storm trysail, so we hove-to once again (we’ve got this technique down). Trysail rigged, the process of tacking was about to get more complicated, as we would have to sheet in both trysail and headsail each time, and almost simultaneously.
Each time we tacked, the wind vane had to be reset, which meant hand steering through the wind and long enough to keep us on a good course heading to re-engage the wind vane. In winds and waves as powerful as these, this meant that Stephen had his hands full behind the helm and I would have to do the majority of the pulling and grinding. This could probably be turned into a trendy new workout at Bally’s or Gold’s Gym. Saturday’s roster: Body Pump, Hip-Hop Abs and Tack and Grind.
I was all over the cockpit, from cabin top to primary winches. I acquired both muscles and bruises, banging knees and elbows bracing myself as I fell from one side to the other, hugging winches with one arm while grinding with the other. Earlier, I had enough endurance to muscle the helm on a steady course while Stephen set the wind vane. Now, I had to opted to set the vane instead, climbing up the stern rail and hugging the pole, I would turn the turret with one hand while forcing the vane into the wind with the other. Then I would have to jump down and quickly pull the lines as taut as I could before she blew off course. Stephen helped me out with all of these tasks as best he could, always with one hand on the steering wheel.
This whole process was physically exhausting. A few times, we would tack and the boat would lose speed, meaning we would have to start over again. Each time, we prayed we’d get it right, then we could clip our tethers back into the front and settle in, as each tack would last a few hours. The winds were beginning to blow more steadily at 28 – 30 knots, gusts up to 35 and my body started to tremble again. They were forecasting more serious weather for Thursday and I started to fear that it had come early. It was late Tuesday night, with 55 miles left to go, and I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to make it to
I was exhausted and needed sleep but had no place to rest. I dreaded the thought of going into the disaster zone to sleep. For as loud and scary as things can be outside, they always sound worse down below. That, coupled with the fact that you can’t see what is going on outside is unnerving. But sitting out here in the cockpit was equally unnerving. We were heeled so much, it took all of my energy to stay braced in, let alone sleep. Stephen tried to make me more comfortable, pulling me close to him and telling me to rest my head against him, but this didn’t help. I finally resigned to going down below.
The bunk we had set up with the lee cloth to keep us from rolling across the cabin was absolutely drenched. The blankets were either wet or smelly from our own funk since neither of us had a shower in days. I rolled up a semi-damp blanket for a pillow and prayed for sleep as butterflies filled my belly each time the boat raised and dipped about 3 – 4 feet. Sleep finally overtook me and then it was broken by the voice of some strange man named “Bermuda Radio.”
In the most polite British accent he said, “Good morning, sailing vessel Synchronicity, do you have an EPIRB on board?” An EPIRB, why was he asking about our emergency beacon for the coast guard? Then Stephen’s voice replied, “Yes, Bermuda Radio, registration number…. (a bunch of letters and numbers).” Then Bermuda Radio asked, “Synchronicity, do you have a life raft on board?” “Yes, Bermuda Radio, it is a
6 passenger life raft.” Life raft! Holy Shit!
This was finally it. Less than 12
hours to go, and the Bermuda Coast Guard was going to have to save us. “Stephen, are they giving us a tow in?” I asked desperately. He waved his hand at me to communicate
silence. I wondered to myself, what had
happened? Did something in the rigging
come undone? I held my breath for his
I’m just calling ahead as required.”
Jesus Christ! At 2 am! At first came relief, then the realization that
we were on our own again. That was the
end of sleeping down below for me. I
couldn’t take the suspense.
From 2 am to 6 am, after tacking the boat, Stephen decided to hand steer the duration of this tack, approximately 12 miles as he was able to keep the boat moving at a faster speed on this tack than the wind vane. Amazingly, our Sirius satellite radio held up through the duration of the trip, and “Phish” came on at just the right time with live renditions of “Wilson,” and “Chalk dust Torture,” to keep Stephen pumped for this mission. Then just before daybreak, we went through the process of tacking one last time. This one took the last of the energy we had remaining.
As the sun rose, so did the winds as the sky became ominous again. Winds actually started blowing more steadily at 35 knots, and waves grew to almost 20 feet with less than 20 miles into
Bermuda. “We can’t catch a fucking break,” said
Stephen. “It figures,” I said. We sat opposite each other in the cockpit,
shooting reassuring glances and managing as much smile for one another as we
could. Even close to shore, we didn’t
see any other vessels, although we heard them communicating over the
radio. A commercial fisherman commented
to a pilot boat about the seas being “a bit lumpy.” I was beginning to see what
the travel guide meant about Bermuda being a
“proper place big on manners.” A bit
lumpy? How about miserable?
It felt like we were getting down to the wire. Would the winds and seas grow worse, or hold off long enough for us to make it into safe harbor? We switched the satellite station to reggae to provide some calm and sat in quiet, marveling at how well the wind vane maneuvered us through these seas. “A better job than I could have done,” said Stephen. I praised the wind vane, now our guardian angel and Stephen for fixing her and making her right. I wouldn’t even let myself entertain for an instant, any worry about her becoming disengaged for fear of jinxing us again.
Then finally, around 8 am, Stephen told me to look to port to see the houses on land. As I sat up, I was amazed at how close we were to the island. I had given up trying to sight land. White and light pastel colored houses with Spanish tile roofs emerged with palm trees and I saw the stark contrast between a cobalt blue and turquoise sea. I started crying tears of joy and relief, as now there was an end in sight.
Not completely in the clear yet, Stephen tried several times to start the engine before we accepted that we would have to clear the channel and drop anchor under sail. We informed Bermuda Radio of our situation and they gave us instructions on where to anchor. Fortunately, we were running downwind entering the harbor, much safer for passing through the infamous pass into
that is only 50 ft. wide. Puffs of wind and 10 – 12 foot waves carried
us through as we gazed up at the rocky bluffs that towered above us. St. George’s Harbor
I imagined us dropping anchor and collapsing into each other in one long embrace, followed by opening a much deserved bottle of wine. We continued to sail downwind into the harbor but had to turn upwind to anchor. We had to pick a spot quick – one that placed us in front of a multi-million dollar mega yacht named “Freedom.” Now that we were into the wind, we had little ability to sail away from this point, and ran the risk of dragging backwards into “Freedom,” which towered above us.
The next 15 minutes were panic stricken as we dropped anchor, and then quickly rushed below to stop from dragging. Stephen called out to me to feed more anchor rode through the hatch, while he tried desperately to get the engine running. Down below looked worse than I had ever seen it. I became lost in a maze of anchor rode, fumbling to figure out which end was which. We had plotted a fix on the chart plotting software that confirmed we weren’t dragging. Stephen remembered he had rigged the fuel pump associated with the polishing system so that it could be easily diverted to the engine. The engine started again, and our confidence was restored. “It’s time to open that bottle of wine,” he said. The best discovery of all – 3 cases of wine made it to
unharmed. And I didn’t feel like
The first 2 weeks in
Bermuda following our arrival has been spent
putting our lives back together. When we
set out from the Chesapeake,
something told me to take pictures of our boat, newly upholstered, so organized
and cozy. Now we were picking up
clothing and other gear, separating it into garbage bags I labeled, “Damp,” and
“Wet & Soiled” for laundering.
Everything had to be aired out. Each day we lugged our tempurpedic mattress and cushions out on deck to get a little bit dryer –
Bermuda is still humid.
The first night, we turned on our TV, deciding to watch an episode of
“Worst Week” (only fitting), and watched as our TV slowly deteriorated from
salt water that had managed to find its way in.
The next morning, we turned on our Sirius Satellite radio, which held up
so faithfully until the very end, only to discover that it had also retired. Lesson 3:
stow all electronics in waterproof cases.
And then there was the task of cleaning out the refrigerator. We shuddered to imagine the stench that waited for us below. Stephen got a whiff of what was to come a couple of days ago, when he accidentally started pumping water out of the fridge instead of the ice box, that we had turned into dry food storage.
Having a really weak gag reflex, Stephen suited up with rubber gloves and a clothespin over his nose. Of all the things that did perish, we took a chance on the Smoked Gouda and were glad we did. Not only did it survive, it was the best damn thing we had tasted in over a week. We ate the whole block for dinner with two bottles of wine.
On Thursday, we lugged about 4 huge duffel bags full of blankets, towels and clothing onto shore to “The Finish Line” laundromat. Zeena, who ran the place, must have noticed the overwhelmed look on our faces, lost among stacks of laundry as we tried to interpret the “wash card” machine that took “
Bermuda dollars only.” She swooped in and rescued us, helping to
sort and load the clothes, telling us which dryers were hotter, which machines
were broken. Inquiring about the size of
our loads, we told her our story. I
started to say, “the conditions couldn’t have been worse,” but quickly caught
myself. “They could have been much
worse,” we both said simultaneously.
“You’re still here,” she said.
She and the other local ladies began joking with me and Stephen, calling
him a bad boy for throwing away his sweater which was beyond salvaging in our
books. I started to feel at home in Bermuda as one lady told us that “God is good,” and
“Everything has a cause.”
The ladies at the laundromat reminded us to thank God for each and every day which has helped to put this into perspective. So much of our life is still intact. Most of our clothing managed to survive. We still have music, dry books and all of the DVDs that Chandra, Lynn, Kelly and Kelly gave us. We had wine to drown out the memories and food from our friends to keep eating decent meals after the refrigerator went out. We are in a beautiful place with perfect temperatures and gorgeous beaches. We still have each other and our loving, supportive families, who may or may not decide to join us after reading this story.
Over the phone, a concerned Poppa (Stephen’s grandpa) who no doubt missed us, asked if we were going to spend a few weeks in
Bermuda and then
sail back home. “There’s no fucking way
I’m going back across that ocean.” I said to Stephen. I’m probably not tough enough for the ocean,
but I think I changed a little bit for the better after this passage. Stephen and I had many heart-to-hearts about
ways in which we were each perfectionists and sometimes controlling in own ways
in our former life. Dealing with the
forces of nature brings to my awareness what little control we really have over
life’s events. The best you can really
do is prepare and cope with whatever is dealt to you the best that you
There are things that used to stress me out that aren’t worth my time to think about anymore. Like time. Having enough time, being on time, racing against time. Now I’m lucky if I know what day it is, abandoning expectations for any given day. And organization. Where the hell did that go? Lots of things…anal retentive and too miniscule for me to recant managed to occupy too large a space inside my mind, within my life.
There’s plenty I’m still afraid of, including the ocean. Getting back to those options I’m still fortunate enough to have….to go back to land or continue sailing the ocean? To say “to hell with passage making, I’m not a fish and don’t belong in the sea,” or give it another go? I’m very aware of my limits, and have endured too much to discover them to throw in the towel. Despite my fear of getting clobbered again, I can’t imagine stepping off of this boat to let someone else sail it with Stephen down to St. Maarten. There may be nights on watch in the near future where I curse this decision, but I battled the
Atlantic, and now that she’s
behind me, I’m not looking back but looking ahead to discovering more beautiful
places and people. This was only the
beginning of the next chapter in our lives.